


Scars (The Cylon Insomnia Remix)

by The_Plaid_Slytherin



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Community: bsg_remix, F/M, M/M, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-18
Updated: 2011-04-18
Packaged: 2017-10-18 08:39:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/187004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Plaid_Slytherin/pseuds/The_Plaid_Slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saul finds it hard to be honest with Felix about what's keeping him up at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scars (The Cylon Insomnia Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LorraineMarker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LorraineMarker/gifts).



> Written for the bsg_remix challenge, a remix of [Scars](http://lorrainemarker.livejournal.com/24451.html). Thanks to hazelwho for the beta!

_He was cold, naked and alone. It was dark. The power must have gone out._

 _He was going to die in here. The thought was chilling, but with each passing day, it seemed more and more plausible, to the point where he was almost used to it. He might never see the light of day again, all because Baltar and his people had surrendered, sold them out to the Cylons._

 _Saul heard the door of his cell creak open and he threw himself forward, hoping the darkness might give him some kind of advantage._

 _"Grab him," he heard a voice say, and he felt arms—six arms? So there were three of them?—hold him down._

 _"This'll sting," said a voice Saul recognized as belonging to one of the Cavils, and then there was only blinding pain._

He woke with a start, breathing hard. It took a few moments for his surroundings to come back into focus. He was in his rack, hanging half off the edge—he'd been thrashing around in his sleep. It was dark, though they'd left one lamp on a low setting. Felix preferred it that way.

There was a snuffling sound behind him and Saul glanced over his shoulder. Felix was still asleep. Good. He needed his rest, didn't need it to be interrupted by an old man's restlessness.

Sometimes, he wondered if being a Cylon meant he needed to sleep less. Once, he'd loved sleeping, would lie in bed for hours (often with Ellen), just lazing the day away, dozing and making love. Part of him longed to do that with Felix, but he didn't think it was possible. His rack wasn't big enough for lazing—they couldn't spread out, couldn't roll around, and they definitely couldn't spend all day in bed when they both had to work.

He understood that Bill couldn't give them time off together, much less an entire day. They were understaffed as it was, and there was no way Saul was going to ask for the day off so he could frak a subordinate, even _if_ Bill was past the point of outwardly caring about Saul and Felix's relationship.

If he couldn't sleep, he decided, then he might as well watch Felix. Saul gingerly rolled over onto his other side and propped his head up on his elbow. Studying Felix was preferable to sleep, anyhow: the rise and fall of his chest, the way his eyelashes lay against his skin. Their relationship was new enough that Saul was still getting used to looking at Felix, getting used to the thought that _yes, this was right._ He felt another one of those rushes of giddiness and let himself grin. Yes, this _was_ right.

Felix moved again and Saul reached out to brush back his hair. It was strange, sometimes, watching him and realizing that he'd fallen for _Gaeta_ of all people. He knew it was a surprise—hell, he'd even call it frakking weird—but he also knew his feelings were strong, and they were genuine (despite the rumors).

He still wasn't sure their relationship was well-received among the crew, but Bill hadn't chucked him out of an airlock, and Saul counted that as a positive. He didn't care about the rumors, anyway—as long as Felix knew how much he cared, he was happy. He just hoped he did.

Felix rolled over and Saul moved out of his way. Maybe it was time for him to vacate the premises. These racks really weren't made for two people, as much as he and Felix were trying to pretend otherwise.

He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"Can't sleep?" Felix asked. Saul was surprised at how sexy the just-woken Felix sounded.

"Yeah." Saul didn't turn to face him. Given the circumstances, he didn't quite feel like sharing the reason. It wasn't something they had ever talked about, and Saul wasn't eager to start doing it now. New Caprica was a heavy subject between them, and Saul wanted to avoid it as long as possible.

Felix pushed himself up and placed his hands on Saul's shoulders. "Anything I can help with?" he asked, his breath warm on the back of Saul's neck.

"No, no," Saul said slowly. He definitely didn't mind that Felix was rubbing his back, and he wasn't going to ask him to stop.

"I know how it is," Felix said quietly, trailing his finger down Saul's spine. Suddenly, Felix's touch felt different.

Unconsciously, Saul twitched. Felix paused. "You okay?" His voice sounded concerned.

"Yeah, 'm fine." Saul pushed himself off the edge of the bed and stood, stretching his arms above his head. He could practically feel Felix's eyes on his back, scrutinizing his scars. He flinched, even though the younger man hadn't even touched him.

"Saul?"

"I'm _fine_." He stood there for a moment, his hands on his hips. "Just gotta clear my head."

Felix was quiet, hopefully not hurt.

It hung, wordlessly, in the air between them. They both knew what Saul had been dreaming about, and they both knew why he wasn't saying anything.

Saul looked around his quarters and knelt to grab his tanks off the floor from where he'd thrown them. There were times still where he felt everything was changing too fast, where he wanted to crawl back into bed with a bottle, preferably alone. He'd been getting those urges less and less, but at the moment, Felix in his bed made him feel tense.

He didn't want to turn around and meet Felix's eyes. Oh, there was the guilt again creeping up the back of his neck.

He didn't want to remember that he'd almost thrown him out an airlock, almost let him die—no, killed him. He shivered, suddenly conscious of the cold air and his bare feet on the metal floor. Crawling back into bed and letting Felix warm him up did seem inviting, but he wasn't sure he could do it.

Saul grabbed his jacket off the back of his desk chair. "I'll be back," he said, sitting down to put his shoes on. "Just going for a walk."

"Okay," Felix said, though he didn't sound like it was okay.

Saul didn't turn around until he was out the door. The sound of the hatch closing was very loud in the empty corridor. Saul stood there for another moment, wondering if he should go back in.

No, he couldn't. Felix needed his rest, could get that a lot better without Saul hanging around.

He wasn't sure where he was going on his walk. He stuck his hands in his pockets and just let his feet carry him wherever they'd take him.

It was probably unsurprising that he wound up down at Joe's.

The bar was nearly deserted this late at night. Most of the happy couples had long since retreated and the only people left were others like him, who had come to drown their sorrows alone.

Saul jammed his hands into his pockets and walked the perimeter, wondering where he ought to set down.

"You get kicked out of bed?"

Saul jumped, not expecting the voice he recognized. He hadn't even seen Bill sitting at the table he'd just passed. _He looks old_ , Saul thought, looking at him, hunched over his glass. _Hope I don't look like that._

Bill nodded at the chair across from him, and Saul sat down.

"Couldn't sleep," he finally answered Bill's question. "Didn't want to… to keep him awake, tossing and turning."

He'd never talked frankly about Felix with Bill, so it came out in a rush. He didn't want to see any hint of disapproval Bill might have. He already felt guilty enough.

Instead, Bill just nodded. "Yeah, me too. I think I already got all the sleep I'm going to get tonight." He took a swig from his glass. "She needs to rest, though."

Saul nodded his agreement. It was a weird thing to connect over, but he'd take it.

They were both quiet, Saul watching Bill drink and wondering if he wanted to get something for himself, when Bill said, "How're you two doing anyway?"

Saul wasn't sure what Bill meant, so he decided to give the most diplomatic answer. "Fine."

Bill snorted, clearly able to read Saul like a book. "I kind of wanted you to _talk_. That's why I asked you a question."

Saul sighed. "I feel like a dirty old man," he muttered.

Bill had the gall to laugh. Saul scowled. "What are you doing that for?"

Bill shook his head, still smiling, and inwardly, Saul was glad. He hadn't done that much lately—none of them had. "You just look so embarrassed about it," Bill said.

"I am." Saul looked down at the scuffed bar table. Why didn't he go get himself a drink?

"Do you want me to tell you you're not a dirty old man?"

"Yeah." Saul raised his eyebrows.

"You're not a dirty old man," Bill told him. "Did that help?"

Saul scratched behind his ear. "Not really."

Bill laughed. After a few moments, his face became more serious. "Really, though. It's nice to see you with somebody."

Saul hadn't planned to press the issue, but he was feeling brave. "Even when you remember who it is?"

"Yeah," Bill said. "Even when I remember who it is."

Somehow, that made Saul feel better. "It really doesn't bug you?" he asked.

"Nah. I mean, I know you. I trust you not to… take advantage of the difference in rank, which would be my primary concern as a commander." He looked thoughtful, contemplating his empty glass. "Gods know how long we're gonna be out here, Saul. I think you should be able to frak whoever you want to. Provided they want to frak you, too," he added.

He hoped Bill wouldn't ask for confirmation. Saul shivered. He was quite certain that the feeling of wanting to frak was mutual. Very mutual.

"You're starting to seem more like your old self," Bill went on. "Remember when that was your type?"

Saul thought about it. Felix was funny, smart and sexy. Plus, Saul had always preferred partners who _got_ military life. Usually, he had to settle for tolerance, and even before Ellen, that had been difficult to find (not that Ellen had been incredibly tolerant of it, he reminded himself). And to say that Felix _got it_ was an understatement.

"Yeah, I remember," Saul said. One night last week, Felix had found Saul's stash of military history books and they'd stayed up late talking about something he'd read in one of them. That had felt almost like normal couple behavior.

"See?" Bill said. "You two work out better than you'd think at first."

"I guess so." Figuring out what he saw in Felix was easy enough—the question in Saul's mind was what Felix saw in _him_.

"So," Bill said, "you really just couldn't sleep? Not anything on your mind?"

Saul contemplated telling Bill about the dream but decided against it. He wouldn't really get it. They'd talked about New Caprica, sure, but that had mostly been about Ellen, and Saul had no real strong desire to discuss his time in detention with Bill. As with Felix, it would only serve to make him feel guilty. The past was in the past, and Saul didn't blame Bill for leaving them any more than he blamed Felix for not getting him out of detention. Once, he may have felt differently, but a man can change his mind.

"I'm okay," Saul said. He yawned. He was starting to feel ready to hit the hay. "I'm thinking about going back to bed."

Bill smiled at him. "I think you are," he said, nodding at something behind Saul. "Somebody's way ahead of you."

Saul turned in his seat. Felix was coming into the bar area, looking around, not sure where Saul was.

"Go on," Bill said. "I can look after myself."

Hesitantly, Saul stood. "You sure?"

Bill nodded. "I think I'm going back myself in a few. Laura doesn't have a clue where I am. And hey," he added, reaching for Saul's elbow as he made to leave. "Why don't you two take the morning off? Sleep in. Catch up on… stuff." Bill looked slightly embarrassed.

Saul rolled his eye. "Sure thing. Good night, Bill."

"'Night."

Saul came up behind Felix and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hey. I was coming back up; you didn't have to come get me."

Felix gave him a wan smile. "I couldn't wait," he said. Someone at the bar hooted; Saul pulled back to glare at the offending pilot, who quickly became much more interested in his drink.

"Did you have fun on your walk?" Felix asked, as they left Joe's. There was a trace of sarcasm in his voice.

"I just needed to get some air," Saul said, falling into step beside him.

Felix smirked. "Gotta love that recycled stuff." After a beat, he added, "Are you okay now?"

Saul nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Feeling better." Already, the nightmare felt ages ago and he was able to look at Felix without thinking about it. The memory made him cringe, but it was just a memory. He reached out and traced Felix's jaw with his thumb. "Didn't mean to worry you out of bed."

Felix shrugged. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay." He paused, stopping in the deserted hallway. Saul took the opportunity to lean in and kiss him deeply, sliding his fingers into Felix's hair. Felix gave a muffled groan and pressed forward against Saul's body, awkward with his crutches.

Teasingly, Saul hooked his finger into the collar of Felix's tanks. "I appreciate that," he muttered against Felix's lips. "But I think it's past time we got to bed."

"Yeah," Felix said, looking slightly dazed. "Bed sounds like a good idea right now."

**

Felix was surprised the next morning when Saul prevented him from getting out of bed at reveille.

"What did you have to tell the admiral to get us time off?" he asked.

Saul gave a short bark of laughter. "It was his idea."

The expression on Felix's face was perfect. "So we're going to walk into CiC later, with Adama knowing exactly what we did with our time off?"

"Felix, _everybody_ 's gonna know what we did with our time off."

"I know," Felix said. He was quiet for a few moments, and then he said, "Do you mind? Everyone knowing?"

Saul shrugged. "Can't say I ever minded before. This is not my first time down this alley, I'll have you know."

"I like that," Felix said, absently reaching out to rub Saul's chest. "I like that you're experienced."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." Felix grinned wickedly. "You know exactly what to do and how to do it. It sure beats fumbling around with guys who don't know what goes where."

Saul slipped his arm under Felix's shoulders. "I think that's the nicest way anybody's ever called me old before."

Felix kissed him, long and lingering. "So, are you really feeling better?" he murmured, after they'd parted.

"Hm?" At first, Saul was confused as to why he had asked. "What was wrong?"

"Last night?" Felix traced his finger across Saul's chest. "It seemed like something was bothering you."

Saul studied Felix. The effects of the dream seemed even more deadened than they had last night. He reached out to cup Felix's cheek. "I'm okay," he said. "Really. Just a little case of Cylon insomnia."

"Okay." Felix kissed him and the hand on his chest trailed lower. "We can talk if you want to."

Saul considered this, but Felix's hand found its target and Saul's mind went blank. Later, he decided, sliding his arms around Felix's neck and deepening the kiss. They'd have a nice, long talk later. He just had other things in mind right now.


End file.
